Monday, June 26, 2006

Body Image and Sexuality

Is anyone ever really happy with his or her body?

You read a lot about how women are so wrapped up in their weight. I admit I am too. Especially since I gained weight and I can't fit my jeans properly. Other women tell me I "carry it well", and my big butt and plump hips don't stop men from hitting on me. Yet I still feel very self consious about my body. Except when I'm writing hot sex scenes. Then my self consiousness disappears.

Maybe women's sensitivity about being called fat or big is such a widely known joke simply because women are just more open with their insecurities. Then again it could be because men get such a kick out of seeing women rip each other apart, and one the first things a women insults another woman on is her looks. Hair, makeup, the size of her ass. . . But I digress; the competitiveness of women is a topic for another day.

Today, with the summer starting to heat up and people being so self consious in shorts and abthing suits, I want to talk about what makes us FEEL sexy. Most people have problem areas that they feel very self-conscious about. Women worry about the size of their hips or their breasts. And while most men won’t admit it, some worry that their dick is too small, or even too big. Or if they’re hairy chest is gross, or that their abs aren’t a perfect six pack.

28618I mean, sure we LOVE looking at hot men, but do we expect the men in our lives to actually look like this? We have to remember that men don't expect the owmen in thier life to look like an airbrushed model either. We a re oputting that expectation on ourselves.

I talked to a guy once, (Through research of course ) that really stressed about the first time he was with a new woman because his cock was too big. He said it caused all sorts of problems with positioning and comfort. Which ya know, I can understand, because even though we women love out romance heros to have the "massive hammer" as it was put to me, we don't really want that do we? I mean, well...we might want a nice one..but not... anyway..... there is such a things as too big...sure we stretch enough to give birth, but that takes hours of the body slowly preparing itself, and in the end it isn’t a really a pleasant sensation.

And isn’t that what sex is about? Barring pro-creation, it about Pleasure.

I’ve never been in love, but people tell me sex is always better when you’re in love. I’m guessing that’s because you trust that the person you’re with loves you for you, and not for your body size. With that trust comes a sense of freedom, a loss of inhibitions. (Sadly, for some people …that takes alcohol! I’m a bartender, I see this way too often.) I wonder if erotic stories are doing this for women too. You see, when we read them and we get turned on, we forget to be self consious about ourselves. I've recieved an email,okay two, from differnt women saying that after they'd read one of my stories they went an jumped their hubby and had the best sex in a long time.

I don't think it's my story that did it, but the fact that reading a well done hot sex scene that also contains emotion, helps us get past our subconcious, to the root of our sexualtiy. It helps our bodies to remind us that we want to give and receive pleasure. And our emotional freedom from the self consiousness makes it that much easier to achieve.

For me, my sex life got a whole lot better when I decided to concentrate on being healthy instead of worrying about my size. I won’t deny I want to lose 80 pounds, but I’ve learned that whether I am over weight or not, (and no, I haven’t always been overweight) my body is still capable of giving, and receiving pleasure. And I learned to not always depend on the guy knowing how to give me that pleasure. Men like to be told what feels good, and what makes you uncomfortable because for them, it’s a point of pride that you get to come before they do! Maybe more than once!

I guess what I’m trying to say is …stop worrying about how you look, and think about how you feel. Sexuality and sexual enjoyment is a gift we've been blessed with. Embrace it. Wear the short shorts or the skimpy lingerie that makes you feel sexy and attractive. Enjoy what your body can do for you! And if you need a little help...try writing out one ofyour fave sexual fantasies, and leaving it on the bedside table for your signifigant other...or maybe email it to him at work? It coudl make things get very hot, and I'm not talking about the temperatures outside. *wink*

Oh! and to help get you in the right frame of on the hot photo of the man for a larger version. LOL


Blogger Beth Williamson said...

I think you are spot on, Sash. Women completely identify their body image with sexuality - as if the booty on me is any indication of how sexy I am. *snort* I am totally in that trap.
I lost 50 pounds and was a size 10 for the first time since high school. Unfortunately I've gained 20 of that back (dammit) and am struggling to lose it again. Why? So I can feel good about myself.
Now as to when I feel sexy, that's different. I have big breasts (okay 36DD) and when I wear a shirt that shows them off, I feel sexy. I know, men ogle me, but it makes me feel good and that's the point.
Great post! And the guy... nice butt. Veddy nice. :)

8:04 AM  
Blogger LSB Author, Darragha Foster said...

You have a big butt? Sounds pretty damned sexy to me.

I am gorgeous. I weight 320lbs, too. I was gorgeous at 134, 150, 180, etc.
I'll be gorgeous at any weight.

However, my blood sugar is much happier when I weigh less. So I'm on Jenny Craig, gods help me. I need to get bigger royalties to keep that up, however. Oy vey, JC is expensive!

I've lost 27lbs in the last 10 weeks. For the entire month of July I'll be off Jenny Craig and babysitting my husband at Weight Watchers. He wants to lose some weight and WW seems like a good fit for him.

My husband likes women with curves. Lots of men do. He can't keep his hands off me--even after 16 years of marriage. We are all beautiful, darlings. No matter what size we are.

Screw poor self-esteem and rock the world the way you are. If losing weight means you'll be around longer to amuse, then by all means, lose weight. Be a goddess in your own right.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Rae Morgan said...

This so totally resonates with me. And is timely.

Hubby and I started the South Beach Diet today -- mostly for him, since he is a Type I diabetic and has been adding the weight all in the middle. And since he is on it -- I am on it -- so I guess I'll get back into my old jeans, one size down.

Since I don't have my weight issues in the middle -- I'm a hips and thigh gal myself -- I am going on the modified South Beach (the second phase rather than the first -- not as quite as restrictive).

Now, we didn't do this because we didn't like the way each other looked (still jumping each others bones on a regular basis), we are doing it for health reasons. His weight gain was literally killing him and his medical issues because of it were killing me. :) So, lose weight, live longer -- but I'll still have hips -- that's just genetics.

And my hubby loves my hips!!


9:59 AM  
Blogger LISA WILLIAMS said...

You go girl. I agree. Even though it is difficult, please be happy with your own body image not what others think.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Sela Carsen said...

I recently read a book with a heroine who was so unbelievably sensitive about how she looked that I started to feel over-sensitive about myself! Decent story, but not worth re-reading if it did that to me.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous LindseyAnn said...

This is a very accurate post. i've had a time of it with my body image, and i'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend and girlfriend who both find me to be sexy and desirable. i'm 185 lbs, and i've been told that i wear them well. But i have Fibromyalgia, and along with the image issues, it's to my benefit that i lose some of the weight.

So, now that i'm in college... i take the bus and walk. A lot! And that's helping to tone some of my muscles, and make me feel like wearing skirts to show off my legs.

*grins* What i have always loved about myself is my hair though. Down to my thighs, thick and silky, when i wear it down it always makes me feel like a queen. Guess that saying about hair being a woman's crowning glory is true!

i find that when i think well of myself, whether it's my brains, or my looks, or just the fact that my Man is looking at me like He wants to eat me alive... it helps, and i try to hold onto it for those times when i feel like something the cat dragged in.

Although receiving catcalls now that i'm out and about with my head held high, and having my Man and my girlfriend look at me like Tthey want to eat me alive doesn't hurt the self-image any... at all. *grins* i definitely recommend it!

Alright, back to my class responsibilities. *waves*

Many blessings,

11:03 AM  
Blogger Sasha White said...

Beth...And I bet no matter how much you weight, your dh thinks your sexy right?? It's just that at times we don't think we're sexy!

27 pounds in 10 weeks! Thats wonderful Darragha!! I joined LA weight loss and it's not going so well at the moment. :(

1:44 PM  
Blogger Sasha White said...

Pae~ Good for you two. I sometimes wonder if having someone around would make it harder or easier to stick to somehtign like this.

I'll never be slim, I love having curves, it makes me feel wonderful, but I like curves, not rolls. LOL ANd that's how I Like myself, no matter how others see me.

Hey Lisa! Thanks:)

Hey LindseyAnn. Walking is the best! The air and the activity helps boost the levelsin your body to make you feel good too...and I agree, when you feel good you look good, and others notice. :)

1:49 PM  
Blogger Estella said...

I quit smoking seven years ago and Bam! 40 lbs. on my belly and butt--mostly. I am only 5 ft. tall and 40 lbs. does not sit well on my frame. I hate it but nothing seems to make it come off. Dr. said ignore it as long as I am healthy. so I guess that is all that counts.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Lisa T said...

Wow! That blog was really on the money. As a big women(250lbs), I find that feeling sexy takes a certain mind set. There are moments that can make you wonder how any one can even stand to look at you (while trying on clothes) and other moments that just say take me now (DH and sexy lingerie). Yes I worry about my health and that is why I started an exercise class. And yes the little old lady next to me put me to shame at the first Great post and luv the guy.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Erin the Innocent said...

I have hideous body image (even more so after shopping for clothes ~BLAH~) I do better though when I'm laughing. I tend to forget other stuff. As for feeling sexy? I don't tend to associate sexy with me lol.

8:51 PM  
Blogger April Martinez said...

I've never really had a problem with my weight; for most of my life I was fairly athletic and on the skinny side, and when I gain weight, it is pretty much evenly distributed and keeps me in the range of "average" or below.

I still do have to worry about my health, though. I haven't regularly exercised in ten years, so now I'm easily out of breath, and when I reached my all-time high of 150 in 2005 (I'm 5'6"), I kept getting migraines. So even if I know I look okay, I *have* to get back in shape or I'll have difficulty moving around and living my once active life.

As for body image, up until I met my boyfriend and finally started believing everything he told me about myself, I actually had the worst body image anyone could have about themselves. But it wasn't because of weight -- it was because I had (still have, if I stress out) bad skin. I could have my high school crush write in my yearbook that he thought I had a beautiful body, and I'd *still* feel ugly because of the acne.

That's what really cripples my self-esteem when it comes to my appearance. I know plenty of men who like meat on their women. I don't know any who like seeing zits.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with what you say. But the media puts pressure on women, all those 15 yr olds that weigh 90 lbs. on the covers of magazines.

I have read your books and others and jumped my husband. I'm on anti-depression medicine that depletes my libido and to tell the truth, reading erotica helps me get started.

Pam G

9:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i watched something on ellen show, with bonnie hunt, she says her mother call herself '''''''perfectly round ''''' if only she was 1 inch taller .......

3:21 AM  
Blogger Sasha White said...

Estella~ Ouch! Gaining like that had to hurt, especially since you were actually doing somethign good fro your health (quitting smoking) However, if your Dr's not worried. You shoudln't :)

Thanks Lisa! The guy is hot isn't he? I just have to have makle pics. LOl Yay on the excercise class! I hope it helps you feel great!

Erin ~ Humor is good. ANd I've met you. You seem shy, but you really have nothing to worry about. You also have a beautiful smile and a great aura!

April ~ Yeah I could see how that would bother you too. I'm so glad you have a man that can make you see yoruself as beautiful. Belive him when he says it!

Pam. Yay for the jumping your husband! LOl I hope the feel good gene does help from the books. :)

9:52 AM  

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