Friday, April 07, 2006

The Other Side


A couple months ago I blogged about BDSM relationships, posting an interview I did with a woman living the lifestyle as a sub. Find it here: Interview with a Sub.
This month I thought I’d post the flip side interview I had with a Dom.

If a couple is in such a relationship, does it switch on and off? Do you have your 'day' personna and your 'night' personna?

Well that depends on the depth of the roles that the couple want to have. Some couples are on 24/7 in their roles. Of course there is always a certain personna that happens for the real world or "vanilla world" as we like to say. Some couples are bedroom Doms or subs. That meaning that they only get into those roles in the bedroom. It also depends if they have children present. In general though there are certain D/s public day time activities that one can do that others wouldn't even know.

When you're running a household together, what are the expectations?

Again it all depends on the level that the couple wants. Some couples follow a basic 1950's routine with the woman in charge of cleaning and being the perfect sub wife to wait on her Master 24/7. Other couples follow a more delegated routine based on their skills in finance, housekeeping, gardening and the like. In general, areas regarding the home are openly discussed like any other couple.

Say our sub woman is a high-powered attorney by day, does she become obedient the moment she enters the door at night? Or is this play only for the bedroom?

It depends on the couple, but in general the more high-powered job a person has, they generally walk in the door and become sub-serviant to relieve their stress. They no longer have to think about work or making decisions and feel thankful that their Master is doing that for them.

How does the couple carry on a regular life and a role-playing life at the same time? Or is is playing?

Many people just play in the lifestyle and it's their kink so to speak. For others like myself it's easy to carry on a regular life and have the lifestyle. You are just more open about your lifestyle and don't throw it in anyone's face. They understand what you do, but most people don't understand to what degree and the true intensity that it is.

Does it become real with the sub deferring to her Dom about all her life's decisions?

In a very deep and true sub/slave the sub does defer all her life's decisions to her Master. Yet that does not mean she doesn't express her wishes and desires. She would talk about how she feels, what she wants and have open discussions with her Dom. The Master then weighs these points and makes the final decision.

Yes, I'm interested in the punishments, the sex and the fetishwear, but I also really want to know how it works psychologically.

Well first off psycologically a person in the sub role has to remember that anything said to her/him degradingly or for humilation is just to bring the person into their role and for play. It has nothing to do with how the Master truely feels about them. Ex. I call a woman a slutty cum whore, that's meant in affection but in real life I don't view her as such. It takes a person who is mentally strong and secure to play intensely in the lifestyle. Someone who has psychological issues would deeply be effected negatively in this lifestyle.

There you have it gang. The other side. Now how about you?
Do you find the idea of a Dom/sub relationship sexy? And if so does it appeal to you mainly as an erotic fantasy or is it something you’d really try? Share your feelings on the subject if you wish, but if you don't feel like sharing just drop a comment that says "I was here" to be entered in the daily drawing.

I'm giving away a download of my new release, Seasons of Love, in which there are no BDSM relationships whatsoever.

30 Comments:

Anonymous Cherie said...

Dom/sub roles don't do anything for me. Good thing my husband isn't into it either. In a story, a little bondage can be exciting as long as it is not taken over the top. I am definitely not into reading physical cruelty, however, like whippings or beating. Sadism and masochism in stories just turn my stomach.

12:00 PM  
Blogger LISA WILLIAMS said...

I was here

12:47 PM  
Blogger Shuck Ying said...

I was here.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Deborah Chan said...

I am don't do any of the rough stuff but I enjoy a bit of light bondage when reading books.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Meljprincess said...

I've done the Dom/Sub deal. It was fun! The next time I do it, I'm going to make my Sub shout "HORNY GOAT WEED!" just when he's about to come.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Jenna Howard said...

Very cool interviews, Bonnie. It gave me a peek into a world waaaay beyond my comfort level and made it, well, human.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Bonnie Dee said...

For me, I think the fantasy of it is enough. It's not something I'd really like to play at. And if we did I'm so damn bossy and demanding I'd probably have to be the one in charge, doing all the commanding and tying up and whatnot. It sounds like too much work!

Horny goat weed! That just never gets less funny. I'm sitting here at work saying it over and over in my head and grinning like an idiot. Tee-hee.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Cynthya said...

Very interesting interview. It would never work for me, my DH and I would both be Doms. LOL It's fun to read about though.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Y. said...

"I was here"

2:16 PM  
Blogger Xandra Gregory said...

Bonnie, I'm with you - I'm such a bossy boots (and I have a hard time not shooting my mouth off in *any* situation) I'd be spending all my time in the spank chair or getting punishments for everything. But I do enjoy reading a good psychological journey through the power exchange. In real life, though, I'm not sure enough people truly understand and are equipped to have that much psychological responsibility towards themselves, much less another person.

On the other hand, the prospect of hearing "HORNY GOAT WEED!" during sex is giving me all sorts of ideas...

Anyway, thanks a lot Bonnie, for the enlightening blog reading today!

2:22 PM  
Blogger Emma Sinclair said...

OK, I'll be the one to say it, I'm intrigued by the whole Dom/Sub thing. Some of the most "deep" relationships I've ever heard of have been D/s relationships.

And as someone with a husband who can't even decide what he wants for dinner most nights, let alone more important things, the thought of someone just telling me what to do is kind of intriguing.

And just 'cause I don't want to be leftout: HORNY GOAT WEED!

2:30 PM  
Blogger J.J. Massa said...

That's all pretty insightful, Bonnie. I say, whatever meets the needs of both parties, that's how things should be. Wish everything were that easy.

oh, and um, Horny Goat Weed to you, too, Emma!

2:43 PM  
Blogger snowflake said...

It's not something I would try although it can be exciting as erotic fantasy.

2:51 PM  
Blogger blackroze37 -tami said...

i was here (shouldnt we be spray painting that? lol i used to do that as teen, i was here all ovr walls..

3:00 PM  
Blogger blackroze37 -tami said...

being a dom/sub roles, where being thru a abusive relationship , i really dont think i can , unless im the dom and i wouldnt want taht all on me either

3:05 PM  
Anonymous chibi-hentai said...

Bonnie, great interview! i think the Dom's perspective is spot-on. It is a really individual lifestyle, and depends on the people and T/their limits.

*smiles* His example of calling a sub a "slutty cum whore" brought back nice memories. *chuckles*

i love being a sub in this Lifestyle, have even experienced new things since my interview, and i can't thank you enough Bonnie for opening some understanding about the facts rather than the assumptions.

Many blessings,
chibi-hentai

4:24 PM  
Blogger Pamk said...

A little slap and tickle would be fine with me but a man calling me slutty cum whore would probably wind up with a broke jaw cause that is bordering on abuse. And would be way out of my comfort zone. Now hubby could probably get away with some of the light bondage but name calling and whips and floggers and the like would be going to far for me.

4:58 PM  
Anonymous chibi-hentai said...

pam, it's probably a lot for most people. But for a few, it's a thrill, and the words don't mean something derogatory between those specific people.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Amy S. said...

I was here.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Hart said...

Because of a former relationship gone sour when I was younger, I'd no more participate in a dom/sub game than walk on hot coals. No, thank you. But light bondage? Oh, yeah. Shows trust between partners and can be very erotic!

Nessie

7:28 PM  
Blogger Celine Chatillon said...

Yeah, I'd have to say the all out sub/dom thing wouldn't be much of a turn on for me. Now, a little "spanking" now and then between friends can be fun and frisky, however! :)

8:45 PM  
Blogger LSB Author, Darragha Foster said...

Nice blog topic, Dee. I had to surf right over and read it :)

8:45 PM  
Blogger icia01 said...

Hi, I have enjoyed reading about the Dom/sub life-style. I hava always wonder about it because it seem interesting. icia

8:49 PM  
Anonymous washington13 said...

I was here

9:04 PM  
Blogger Caffey said...

First time Dee, that I read a interview about a Dom/sub and too the different in their different parts of their lives in what roles they take.
As for reading, I have read little on light bondage within the stories, but nothing based on the story being about Dom/sub relations. For me, like they explained in the interview, its a role they put on for the situation and that they are in (sexual) but may not be what occurs in the other parts of their lives. Intesting interview.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

Dom/sub roles don't do anything for me. If it's done right in a story, I don't have a problem with it. But most of the time, it seems abusive to me.

10:46 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Good interview! It's nice to see information based on real interviews and well-grounded people

There are plenty of times when I get home from work and am more than ready to STOP being the person driving things and making all the decisions.

I love my hubby but he's definitely NOT a dom....

Thanks for letting me know you posted this today!

11:22 PM  
Anonymous annalisa said...

i was here.

interesting interview!

1:39 AM  
Blogger LadyVampire2u said...

I was here...

~April

7:05 AM  
Blogger LadyVampire2u said...

I was here...

~April

7:07 AM  

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