"What's BDSM?" posted on behalf of Roxy Harte

"What's BDSM?"

Yowzah! If I have one more friend ask me this question!

This is the first thing they say after learning that a) I write erotica and b) I write dark, highly emotional, edgy BDSM erotica. The aforementioned adjectives, they comprehend, it's just throwing in that string of alphabet letters that puts their world in a tailspin, especially when further explanation is pressed for..."You know, whips, chains, leather, pain."

Maybe I need a new answer to that question.

Maybe, some of you really wanted to ask, but were afraid to. Understandable. I remember buying my first real "kink" novel, Topping From Below. I wore my sunglasses to the checkout! No one will recognize me, right?

The teller didn't help matters by lifting his brow and snickering, "Nice." I ran to the car and hid the book when I got it home, reading it only when I was completely alone in the house. This was also my scared of my own shadow era. So, it didn't take much. My next BDSM book was purchased over the safe, anonymous internet, a how-to manual and community favorite: Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns. It's not hidden...not from anyone...so if I offend, who cares; if I educate, awesome!



Wow...I've come a long way, baby.

When I write about a BDSM relationship, I think the real story lies in the player's headspace. The relationship is all about what's going on in the psyche of both players, especially the emotional hotspots that can be triggered in the submissive's mind. In my personal opinion, that is the major role of the Dominant, to use his partner's emotional triggers to bring about sexual release, whether those triggers are based in childhood memories or adult fantasy.

Revealing fantasy to a partner is scary stuff, adding a layer of intimacy to the relationship that wasn't there prior. Think about it. Every reveal is a chance taken. Will he/she think this is too wierd? Will my partner no longer love me if I ask for...?

Imagine for a moment being brave enough to ask your partner, "Hey babe, after dinner can I flog you with a bouquet of stinging nettles?"

I seriously asked mine two nights ago, only half-way joking. I'm still testing the water with my partner*grins*.

He called me at midnight, "Baby, I just wanted to let you know, I'm rockhard thinking about what you asked me."

Total honesty and total trust are the elements that define the relationship. I am honest enough to say, "I want you to tie me up," and I trust you enough to let me. My heart swells with emotion just thinking about that.

A willingness to let go of control is even scarier and every bit as vital to the BDSM relationship as honesty and trust. I call it surrender and consider it the ultimate thrill-ride! I love "surrender" so much that I subtitled my series The Chronicles of Surrender.

As a bottom, my surrender includes trust, but really, it is so much more, it is a willingness to completely give over to the experience. I am not in control, allowing my Top to take me to sensory destinations never before fathomed; my inhibitions drop away, my morality isn't an issue, because I have given myself completely to him. I am forced to do all manner of nasty and get to enjoy it guilt-free. Oh my!

As a Dominant, my surrender includes the willingness to control the situation,to protect, and to embrace the power my submissive has granted me. I am allowed to surrender to that wonderfully demonic side of myself, controlling my lover with pleasure and pain. My lover has given me permission to push her buttons and I get to enjoy it! Hell yeah!

So back to the, "What is BDSM?" Question:

It is as varied as each individual is, mild play to full-on play. It could be the scent of leather while blindfolded and stroked with fur, rope bondage or handcuffs, spanking over the knee or flogging. BDSM can include groveling, public humiliation, forced masturbation. The list is endless; and as long as it includes safety and sanity, do it! And for it to work in my life, it absolutely must be consensual.

So, what secret fantasy are you keeping from your partner? Want to be tied up and tickled? or maybe something bolder? Unlock it, share it, and begin an entirely new level of relationship. I dare you!

To help you enjoy the reading of my book: Sacred Secrets, I will include a second post later today titled Roxy's Lil' Guide To BDSM Lingo, so stop back by!