Friday, February 17, 2006

Part Two - The Jokes keep rolling along...

His name was Smith. The guy with the wooden leg. I’m trying to remember this joke and it’s like pulling teeth without Novocain.

I’ve got dust all over aisle thirteen-x in my brain, gawd, it’s been years since I’ve dusted up here. I’ll keep looking and hopefully, I can find the right file before the end of the day.

While I’m hip deep in manila folders here’s something to keep you busy.

Here are some more – outta the mouth of comedians

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."-- Robin Williams

OMG…this is soooooo funny.

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."-- Billy Crystal

Lordy, isn’t this the truth?


Oh, b-t-w, if you post a comment or have already posted a comment to any of my blog posts today, you’re already entered in my contest ~grinz~. I just like to tease ya’ll a little. Keep posting though, cause the more the merrier.


Blogger Jaynie R said...

lol Michelle - I heard the news so I rushed on over, and you've had me ROFLAO while I eat my breakfast.


5:49 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

I can't help it. I love the South no matter what. So this isn't making fun, it's a big, fat smootch!


University of Redneck Engineering Department

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are........ We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Redneck Engineering Department:

1. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

2. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

3. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet ! Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope! on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

6:39 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hiya, Jaynie babe, glad you could stop in and join us for breakfast ~grinz~. Lots of great jokes posted by readers today. My side hurts from laughing.

OY'S Dee, LMAO...that's about all I can say...I'm still laughing. Thanks doll.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Louise Kovacs said...

not news to me. Laughter makes life so much easier, better.
What a fun blog.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Y. said...

LOL Michelle!

9:30 PM  
Blogger snowflake said...

Glad you found the joke about the wooden leg. Thank AskJeeves. LOL

9:34 PM  
Blogger Meljprincess said...

These are all funny as hell.


9:48 PM  
Anonymous Angel said...

Michelle I couldn't resist... years ago my boss emailed this to me, along with a bunch of blonde jokes, I must admit since I was his secretary, complete with short skirt, that I found this so amusing, shame his wife didn't.

Subject: Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, Signed,
A Troubled User
Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)". You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember that the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support

9:56 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hi Louise, thanks for coming by to visit, babe.

Glad you enjoyed the jokes, Jennifer.

Yep, Jenny, didn't take long once I remember it was from Mary Poppins. Was like the information was sitting right on the edge of my brain cell (yes I only have one left at the moment) I just couldn't get it out. LOL

Hi Meljprincess, thanks for coming to visit. Glad you enjoyed the jokes.

OMG, Angel...this is priceless. I ab-so-lute-ly love it. LMAO.


10:20 PM  
Blogger lynangel said...

Oh my gosh! I'm just loving the jokes. Everyone needs a good laugh to start off the day with a bang.

7:12 AM  

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