Friday, February 17, 2006

Did you hear the one . . .

about the guy with a wooden leg?

Neither have I, so I can’t tell you that one. Actually, I have most likely heard it, just can’t remember jokes very well. My brain is like the old warehouse where you line file cabinets from floor to ceiling in tight little rows and hope to heaven you can remember where you put something ten years later. I usually can’t ~smiles~.

So to bring you today’s blog I did want any good joke teller will do, I went on the internet and did a search for jokes. OMG, have you see how many sites come up when you type the word joke into a search engine. I had no idea there could be numbers with that many comma’s.

After digging my way through several sites, I found a couple of jokes that made me giggle. How about we start with the one about two women at a cocktail party?

The first woman asked the second, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Now don’t tell me that isn’t something most women have felt at one time or another in their married life. It’s usually on those days when the man who gave you that ring is being, well, stupid.

I realized something in my ‘joke’ search. Most of the jokes were pretty clean. Got me to wondering what I’d need to type into the search to find something more colorful. Pssst…try SEX. Yep, that did it for sure. This gem is one of the first I read

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"


And so they did. As they were lying in bed afterward, the man thought to himself, "My God, if I’d known she was a virgin, I would’ve been much more gentle!"

And the woman thought to herself, "My God, if I’d known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would’ve taken off my panty hose!"

Jokes are likely as old as mankind. I’m sure somewhere in a cave yet undiscovered there is a cave picture which will reveal the humorous nature of those wacky ancestors who climbed down from the trees and first walked on two legs.

Who doesn’t enjoy a good comedian? There are so many gems spouted by these people who most likely spent their entire elementary school careers sitting in the hall. Here are a few of my favorites:

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." --George Burns

“Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.” --Unknown

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."-- Sharon Stone

I love jokes and I was actually able to find the right file drawer for two jokes that for some reason have stayed with me for years and when I want them they come.

How can you tell if a man is lazy?
He marries a pregnant woman!

Okay, so how funny is that?

And now:
One day a gent from the city decides it’s time to get back to nature. He quits his job and heads for the great farm lands, buys a chicken ranch and sets up shop.

Realizing he needs chicks he heads to the local feed and grain store. Standing at the counter he tells the clerk, “I’d like to buy 500 chicks.”

After loading the chicks in his truck, the gent heads back to the ranch.

The next week, the store clerk sells the newest rancher in town 500 more chicks.

The next week, when the man from the city arrives at the feed and grain to buy 500 more chicks the clerk slips into the back room and tells the boss, “You gotta come meet this guy. This is his third load of chicks in three weeks. He’s going to have the biggest chick ranch in the county.

The owner of the store walks out fronts and introduces himself to the gent. “I hear you’re doing a bang up job with your chicken ranch.” The owner smiles at his new biggest client.

“Actually, no,” replies the man from the city.

“Oh?” The store owner asks, “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I’m not sure.” Mr. City responds, “either I’m burying them too deep or watering them too much.”

Now, don’t ask me why I remember a joke as silly as this, but I do. So tell me, what’s the one joke you’ve heard that has stayed with you for years?

I’ll be here all day, so stop back often if you can. Make sure you post a hello to be entered in my contest. I’ll post details about it a little later this morning.

Michelle

65 Comments:

Anonymous Pam said...

Imagine my surprise when I got the news you were blogging today! I loved the jokes! Just what I need after a week from hell!
Have a good day and thanks much!

10:20 AM  
Blogger blday50 said...

Hello

Sorry I have no jokes for today You see the NEWS here is I'm taking care of my 4 grandkids while their parents are working out of state I always wanted to adopt some children since our 7 are now grown Well I have changed my mind I am way too old for this now Like my freedom to much
Well gotta go not much in the way of cimputor time but I wanted to make sure that I said HI

blday50@yahoo.com
AKA Bonnie in FL

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great jokes! I kept thinking about the first one. After my twins were born my fingers shrunk and one day we were out and my wedding ring fell off :-( When I told my hubby the NEWS he almost cried with me and told me he would buy me another ring. That was 13 years ago! I'm still waiting :-) That's okay since I don't wear jewelry except for earrings. *sigh* maybe this anniversary I'll get one. :-)

Pennie

10:32 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

OMG! I love jokes. And as soon as I saw the blog today and how much fun it is I knew it had to yours, Michelle!

I keep a whole document of funny stories to print out and include in mail for troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, so I have a lot to draw from.

Like this:
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while on the Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


Dee
www,deesknight.com

10:40 AM  
Blogger ChristyJan said...

When I heard the NEWS that you were blogging today I just had to stop by ~ loved all of your jokes ~ especially the lazy man one. Here is one of my favorites that I friend of mine e-mailed to me a while ago:

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss

10:42 AM  
Blogger MeAndMyPunk said...

Ok this one hasn't been with me for years but got it this morning in an email and think it's too funny!

Have a wonderful weekend,

Donna P.

History of Yodeling

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes,
the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the
barn?

"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later,
the daughter returned.

Her clothing is disheveled and straw is in her hair. Straight up to bed
she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that
perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it
out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing
was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly.

She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made
such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed
up at him, "I'm going to get you!

You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

10:46 AM  
Blogger vicker said...

I loved your jokes today. I have never been here before and when I heard the NEWS that this was here, I thought I would stop in and check it out

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Cherie said...

I searched for a joke since I had not heard a good one in a long while. Here is one that made me laugh:

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Thanks for yours. They were funny.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Ayreann said...

When I received the News that you were blogging on SEx today I had to stop by to see what all the fuss was about. (Smile) Loved the jokes. Several had me LOL.

Have a great day!

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Cherie said...

Hi Michelle! Just checked my email and got the news that you would be blogging today. Hope you liked the joke I found earlier.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Barb said...

What a great bunch of jokes to wake up to. This site is news to me and I love it!

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the jokes. I needed the laughs today after watching the news today.

11:02 AM  
Blogger polheber2 said...

What great news, a blog with dirty jokes? And clean ones too!!!

Here's a couple that have been with me for a few years..

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One's a watch snatcher the other's a...well do I have to type it? Ok, just this time..snatch watcher.

The other is very similar...

What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker the other's a...I am NOT typing this one. (grin)

11:05 AM  
Blogger lyn21 said...

Thanks for the entertainment today. Did you read the news as well?

Vicki

11:09 AM  
Anonymous PowerSweepstaker said...

Forget the authoring, it'd make headline news; you ought to go out on a comedy tour!

Where's the sex going on in here... ? I've been married 20 years and I see more sex in a day then is going on here...

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Patsy said...

I was sitting here thinking of a joke that I heard when I got the news that you were blogging today. I enjoyed all the jokes and I have to add one of my favorites, so here goes and I hope you crack up like I did.

A little boy walks into the kitchen where his mom is cooking and says "Mom, the last few nights I woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it was, you were sitting on top of daddy and bouncing up and down. Why were you doing that?"
The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says " Your Dad is a litle overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him." The kid shakes his head and says, You're wasting your time. when you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."

11:19 AM  
Blogger Sara A. said...

Great jokes! The two jokes you always remember were funny! I don't think I've ever heard the chicken ranch one! LOL!!!

I'm a total loser when it comes to joke telling. I don't even try cuz I know I'll get it wrong. LOL!

Have a great day! Oh and I got your NEWS this morning. Thanks!

11:20 AM  
Blogger Juanita Motika said...

Hi Michelle,
Just stopped by to say hello.
Here is a new joke (I hope)

>A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
>doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
>examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
>if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed "Breast-fed,"she replied.
>
> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
>
> She did.
>
> He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for
> a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed.
>
> The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any
> milk."
>
> "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Debbie C. said...

Got the news you were going to be on. These are great jokes!

11:45 AM  
Blogger redfantum said...

Oh, that chicken joke is terrible! :) I can never remember jokes either, dirty or clean. The good NEWS is that we have the internet. Someone is always emailing me something silly.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Good morning, Bloggers,

Glad you're enjoying the jokes and don't forget there are more to come.

Pam, darling, I'm sorry you had the week from hell. Glad the jokes helped.

Bonnieeeeeee, Hi from Washington. Hows the weather in Florida? You are a brave lady, lady. I only have one grand daughter and it takes me two days to recover from her whirlwind visits ~grinz~. Thanks for stopping in.

Pennie - give me that mans email address and I'll send him a reminder note, oy's 13 years, he owes you two, darlin.

Dee, I love the joke, babe, thanks.

OMG - Christyjan, I'm still ROFL.

Donna, darlin...I've never heard this joke. I loved it LOL

Vicker, I'm so glad you found us and thanks for stopping by. I have more jokes and a contest coming, so check back during the day if you can.

Cherieeeeeeeeee - This one is tooooo funny...where can I buy these things???

Ayreann, babe, welcome to the SEx blog. Thank you for stopping in.

Cherie, darlin...I loved the joke, babe.

Hiya Barb, glad you found us. Welcome to the SEx blog. Hope you can visit often.

Anonymous, glad you dropped by. I haven't actually watched the news yet today, I'll have to check it out later.

Hi Polheber2, LOL, I had just taken a sip of coffe when I got to your jokes...needless to say I have to find the papertowels and screen wipes LOL.

Lyn21 - thanks for stopping by, babe. Haven't had time to read the news yet. Anything like interesting I should know about?

LOL Powersweepstaker, sorry darlin...I'll see if I can spice it up a little ~smiles~

Hi Patsy, ROFL, this is tooooooo funny, thanks for sharing.

Sara, babe, thanks for stopping by.

Juanita, as a grandmother, I can say this: where is this doctor located? Do you have a map? ~grinz~

11:46 AM  
Blogger Estella said...

It was great news to hear that you were blogging today
I can't remember jokes any longer than it takes me to hear or read them.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Caffey said...

HELLO Michelle! Of course I'd love to be in your contest, in the meantime, I'm still smiling reading the jokes! My problem is, I hear a joke from someone and I have a hard time understanding (like those hearing idioms that are hard for a deaf person to understand) but my worse problem is I can't repeat a joke. I seem to mess it up, LOL. So here's one I digged up that made me laugh:




THE NUDIST

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

Cathie

12:09 PM  
Blogger Tamara said...

I saw your news email and came on over. I never really remember jokes but I do remember a quote that struck me funny. "Outside of a book , a dog is man's best friend , inbside of a dog, it's too dark to read" -Groucho Marx

12:10 PM  
Blogger Jeana said...

Hi,
Got the news that you were blogging today so i thought i would check it out..now i've got some jokes but i can never ever remember them without saving them on my computer somewhere..lol now just to remember where i saved them..lol

Jeana

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Shay Williams said...

I just wanted to say that I loved the jokes! Hearing the headline NEWS that you were going to be blogging and then reading the jokes was a perfect way to get my day off to a good start!

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow,Even though I been here only once before,it's super.Once I heard the news about your contest,I knew I just had to try for it.Love the jokes and stuff too.Enjoy your day. Christine V.of FL.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous joy isley said...

Hi from sunny Arizona. The news is it might rain this weekend. That would be wonderful news since it has not rained in over 100 days. So it is very dusty here.
Joy

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

I read on yahoo news this morning that there is a $1 million bounty on that Danish cartoonist by some group in Pakistan. They are more than a bit upset about the Muhammed cartoon, I guess. The Sorcerer's Mark sounds really good. I need to get that. Have a nice day..blog on.

12:43 PM  
Blogger cissi said...

The jokes were great. The news of your blog is always enough to get me here to read!
One of my favorite jokes:
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so
he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow
had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heard the news about you blogging today and just dropped in to say hello. I am awful with jokes but if I should remember one, I'll share.

Little Lamb Lost

12:54 PM  
Blogger Amy S. said...

I heard the news that you were blogging today. I enjoyed the jokes. Here is a couple that I found on the internet.

Pharmacist Phun

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"


Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

12:55 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Y. said...

LOL...thanks for the laugh!

Have a great day!!!

1:03 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Y. said...

Oh and I forgot to mention how excited I was when I got the NEWS that you were posting today!

1:20 PM  
Blogger ConnieLynne said...

Thank you for inviting me to read your blog today Michelle Hoppe. The news for today is that it very chilly here in Texas. Strated this week with 80 degrees then dropped to 33 degrees. Thank you for spreading the news about you blogging today.

1:21 PM  
Blogger ConnieLynne said...

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

1:26 PM  
Blogger Maureen said...

I understand completely the inability to remember a joke. When my son was younger he would always ask for me to tell a joke and I could never remember any. Here's one he told me:

There were two blondes, one on each side of a river. One blonde yelled to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" The other blonde replies, "You're already there!"

1:42 PM  
Blogger Paige Burns said...

Um, why do I have the sudden urge to use the word NEWS in a sentence?

I loved all the jokes!

This is a long one, but so worth the read!

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

1:52 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

I got your NEWS that you were blogging here today. Thought I'd pop on over and see what the topic was. Jokes are a great topic as I need the laughs with 2 kids with pneumonia!

Joke:

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him, "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible, smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it."

2:04 PM  
Blogger snowflake said...

Hi Michelle, thanks for the chuckles. Great jokes.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Debby said...

It was great news that you are blogging today. I hope you have a great day. That would be really really good news.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Marcy Arbitman said...

I didn't get the last joke, but I loved the one about the 90 year old couple. Hearing that you were blogging today was the best news that I have had all day!!

marcy

3:23 PM  
Blogger Mahaira said...

Heavy traffic here, today, Michelle.

I came here after spreading the news about your blog day.

Here is my chuckle:

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house" the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Have a great Day!
Mahaira

3:29 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

Hey Michelle, I am sorry I am just now getting the news that it was your day to blog...dang I hate tax time sigh Renee'

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Paula Simecka said...

I recieved the NEWS you are blogging today.Great jokes.







Paula Simecka
simecka@comcast.net

3:30 PM  
Blogger Mahaira said...

LOL, Ladies,

Did you hear this one?

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

So, what is your hubby's nickname? LOL

Mahaira

3:34 PM  
Blogger Mahaira said...

So did you hear the news about a scotsman who had to keep IT under the Kilt?

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Mahaira

3:38 PM  
Blogger Caffey said...

HELLO, I got your NEWS that you were blogging here today Michelle and I keep coming back to read the jokes, you all are great. SOme I understand, some I don't! Happens to us all! But its rocking here!
Cathie

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Angel said...

Always a pleasure to see when you're blogging Michelle, it's also nice to know I can usually make it here when you are. :)

jokes...hmm.. do I have to keep it clean? lol.

1st: (this one has always stuck with me ever since my brother got married ions ago.)

Three blondes were walking in the desert, and they find a lamp. The genie pops out, says since there are three of you I'll give you each one wish.

The first blonde says she's sick of dumb blonde jokes, make her 50% smarter,.....he turned her into a brunette.

The second blonde says... she is Really sick of dumb blonde jokes, make her 100% smarter,.... he turned her into a redhead.

Well the third, she says she kinda likes the blonde jokes, to make her dumber,.......he turned her into a man.

::ducks:: yes a little male bashing does the ditzy blonde well, I always love the shocked looks on the faces of people when they see a cute ditzy blonde telling blonde jokes..

2nd.. and yes this one sticks with me for the humor in it..

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how they got in there I'll never know.

::ducks:; I had to post at least one sex joke...

and lastly, when you see someone who doesn't use their turn signal, Ask them, if they've checked the blinker fluid lately. You would not believe how many people pull over to check it, when everyone knows that lights are electrical not fliud based.

Angel

4:00 PM  
Blogger Judy said...

hi - I heard the news about you blogging today. I really enjoyed the jokes.

4:57 PM  
Blogger LadyVampire2u said...

I love all the jokes! Thought I would add one or two myself:
1)
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

2)
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

~April
Lady_Werewolf_By_Night@yahoo.com

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi I am new at this. I liked the jokes to but I can't think of any jokes myself. Here is some NEWS for any women who like to golf. I myself do not and when I heard this I went know wonder I don't like this game.
The word golf comes from Gentlmen Only Ladies Forbidden. Just thought you would like to know.
Melisa Presley
melisanm@bellsouth.net

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Erin the Innocent said...

*snort* NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS *g*


okay my joke is... What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?



dam

I was told this (again) today at work. It was probably just an excuse for the student to get to say damn *s*

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard the NEWS that you're sharing jokes today! I heard a good one today and wanted pass it on!

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in At 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average
Down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and Many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says,

"Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.

"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had'm circumcised......"


LOl! Sandy

5:26 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hi Estella, I have the same problem most of the time.

LOL Cathie...too cute.

Hi Tamara, Groucho had a strange sense of humor.

Yep, Jeana, thank goodness for the save button ~grinz~

Hi Shay, glad you dropped by and got your day off to a good start.

Christine, babe, thanks for stopping by. This blog is a lot of fun, so hopefully you'll make us a regular stop on your surfing.

Oy's Joy, I don't think it's ever gone 100 days without rain in Washington.

Hi Michelle, thanks for stopping by.

LOL, Cissi, I love the hardware store joke.

Hiya Little Lamb, how are things in your neck of the world today? Glad you could stop by.

ROFL, Amy, loved the joke, hon, thanks for joining us.

Hi Jennifer, you have a great day too, babe. Thanks for stopping by.

Oy's Connie, that's some temperature change. We have freezing temps and a lot of wind here in Washington today, and thanks for the joke...very funny.

Hi Maureen, I love blonde jokes, thanks for sharing.

LOL, Paige...what can I say?

Hi Jodi, I'm so sorry about the kids, babe. Hang in there. Hope the kids get to feeling better real soon.

Hi Jennybrat, thanks babe.

Hiya Debby, days going great so far, thanks for popping in.

Awe, thank you Marcy, that's so nice to hear.

~smiles~, thank you Mahaira. Glad you could join us. LOL, loved your jokes, thanks.

Oy's hi Renee, I hate tax time too!!

Hiya Paula, thanks for dropping by babe.

LOL, Hi Angel, great jokes hon...and yes, sex jokes are just fineeeeeeee!!

Hi, Judy, thanks for stopping by, babe.

Michelle

5:28 PM  
Blogger Pamk said...

great news about your new werewolf book and keep the jokes coming cause this has been a wild day. They are helping me unwind. Is it a full moon or something. Seems like all the weirdos came out at work today.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Bonita said...

Sorry I was so late getting the NEWS of your blogging today. I just got home from work. The jokes were great -- today has been very tiring, so they helped a lot.
Hugs.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Pam P. said...

Got a News bulletin that I should come over here today to get some laughs. Here's one more:

DUSTY UNDERWEAR

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's
'Miracle Grow'."

Pam P.

8:04 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hi, April, thanks for joining us and adding to the fun. Loved the jokes.

Melisa, I'm so glad you found us, welcome to the blog and thanks for the telling us where the word golf comes from, interersting.

Oy's Erin, babe, thanks for coming to visit, lol, loved the joke.

OMG, Sandy...that is too funny LOL.

Hiya, PamK, glad you made it to visit, hon. I think the full moon is past, but not by much so weird may still be on the plate.

Hiya, Bonita, glad you could make it by to say hi, darlin. Hope work went well.

LOLOLOL, miracle grow hahahahahaha,
loved it PamP, thanks for sharing.

Michelle

8:25 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

when I got the news that you were posting here today I thought I'd pop over and see what you had to say.

I have a joke

Grade 4 and 5 of a certain primary school went on an excursion to the race track to look at the horses. After awhile they needed to go to the toilet so the grade 5 teacher took the girls and the grade 4 teacher took the boys. After waiting outside for them for about 5 minutes one of the boys came out and said they couldn't reach the urinal even if they stood on tip toes. So she went into the mens room and lifted each boy so he could go pee pee. She noticed that one boy was very well hung for his age and trying not to look commented 'you must be in grade 5 huh?' 'No' he said 'I'm the jockey for Laydown Lady in the 7th'

8:41 PM  
Blogger Jeanette J said...

A:I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
B: What's the name of his other leg?(from Mary Poppins)

9:07 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hi, Megan, glad you dropped in, fab joke, babe. Thanks for sharing.

LOL, Jeanette, where were you an hour ago, babe. I just posted part three of this blog series and I actually had to go to askjeeves.com to find the joke, LOL. Thanks for joining us and for the answer to the joke ~smiles~

Michelle

9:11 PM  
Blogger Meljprincess said...

Why did the leper leave the party?

They were using his back for dip.

NEWS!

9:46 PM  
Blogger Kimberly Burton said...

Michelle, as soon as I got the news that you were blogging today, I had to stop by to see what you had to say. You always crack me up with the things you post, and today was not any different.
I laughed my ass off on the quotes and jokes you posted! Thank you! I really needed a laugh, even though it did not help my cold/sinus infection with all the laughing and snorting. *snort* LOL
I have no jokes for you, but then, I would not tell them right anyway with all the cold meds I am taking. LOL

9:49 PM  
Anonymous annalisa said...

Just read the NEWS that you were blogging today so I had to come over. Your blogs are always hysterical! There are just too many funny jokes. I've been laughing since I started reading them! Great way to end the day. :)

I have a dumb blonde joke for you...

One day a dumb blonde is driving to her friend's house and on the way she calls her on her cell phone. She says to her friend, "OMIGOD, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I have been searching all over my house for my cell phone and I can't find it anywhere! Her friend doesn't say anything for a minute. Finally, she says, "What phone are you calling me on?" The dumb blonde says, "OMIGOD!, OMIGOD! you found it for me"! :)

11:27 PM  

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